From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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