ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize