Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
