I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I love you.
Bad choice
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
