There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
