I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
