my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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