I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
