I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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