You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
