I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
