I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize