why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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