His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
