All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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