Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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