Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize