Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize