You can't motorboat a personality
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
