I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
