I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
