I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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