in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
