I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
