we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
