a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
