so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
They took my balls.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
