my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
