Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
