Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
