There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
