I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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