There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
