Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
