I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
