You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Alive.
So much puke
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
