What did we do last night that was yellow?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
