i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
