Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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