I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Vodka?
Forever.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
