So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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