You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
