My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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