I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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