boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
