I'm so fucking centered right now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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