i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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