is wine microwaveable?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
