Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
