Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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