That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize