can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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