I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
