how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
